Happiness, Inspiration, Life, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Personal Development

Let the Sun warm your face and soak up it’s radiance

For such a long time I was completely suppressed by the situation I was in and I allowed people to affect my mind space. The most destructive effect of this negative mind space was on my health. There was a time when I found myself ill every day. Eventually I suspected that there was something seriously wrong with me. I was physically ill every single day. I would literally throw up every day. Fear of some or other dreaded disease set in, and I was wasting hours daily thinking what could be wrong with me, google of course had everything for my symptoms and mostly terminal illnesses popped up. I was spiralling into an unhealthy negative hole that I had created through my own bad decisions. The cure for all the possible diseases that I had thought of was as simple as sorting my head out.

Today I am walking with my head high, loving the feeling of the warm golden-yellow rays of the fiery African winter sun on my face. The South African winter sun shines brighter and warmer than the South African summer sun. If I take a moment to soak in the golden sun’s warm radiance, in the midst of the Fierce, piercing winter wind which chills to the bone, I realise that I don’t even notice the venom in the pitiless wind. In my mind the almost prophetic and luminous sun shadows even the cruellest and most remorseless wind. The winter sky is crystal clear and bright blue, not a cloud or haze can be seen because with the bite of the winter wind, comes the clear blissful sky, that only it can bring, as it clears all dust and pollution as it howls across the dry Joburg. It is in the heart of harsh, bitter Joburg winter that I realise how positivity flows through every vein in my body.

I am truly proud of how far I have come and how much the bad times have taught me. The greatest truth that I have learned is that I create my own reality. If I allow negativity to consume me, then it will consume every part of my life, my mind, my body and even my health.

When I learned that I hold the greatest tool of all, I began to learn how to use it and it was right then that I opened the door to the true positivity and amazing things.

Let me break it down for you. My mind was polluted with rubbish, how could I be happy and healthy whilst my mind was in the trash?  The answer is I couldn’t, I was completed focussed on the trash. In order to see the sun shine through the polluted sky, I had to get rid of the pollution, “throw out the trash” – so to speak. Secondly the mind is an incredible thing. What you imagine, comes to light. If you imagine you are sick, you shall be sick. If you imagine being healthy, so shall you be. The mouth too is a powerful tool, if you speak only bad things then that is what you will get but if you speak good things even when your ship is sinking then good things will come your way. Start small, think about your life and what you want to change. For example, you aren’t making ends meet and your bills are piling up. Think about financial freedom, think about how you will feel and picture you what you will do when you achieve it. Most of all picture it in the present, own it in your mind and it will become yours.

Your mind is able to paint incredible pictures, visualise exactly what you want and see it in your mind’s eye and fixate on the beautiful vision you have created in your incredible mind. Speak it, say it out loud. I have learned that the tongue is a very powerful thing. If you say you are broke, so shall you be. If you repeatedly say “why me? Why are things so bad for me? Nothing ever goes right for me?” Do not cry when nothing goes right for you! You are speaking this into your life.

Just before you think that I think you are an idiot for speaking and imagining bad into your life, let me say, I have done it, many times. I would constantly think about how difficult a certain time in my life was and it would become more difficult. Looking back, it was really not that difficult in the first place. I was choosing to see the bad and ignore the amazing parts at the particular time. I am here to help anyone in the situation which I found myself in.

When I started writing, it was out of passion to help people and this is one of the most incredible tools that I can pass on. Stop thinking negatively and expecting a positive outcome. You are completely in control of your thoughts and thereby you are completely in control of your destiny. Get your mind out of the rubbish and into the light. Start making things happen in your life by making it happen through your thoughts, imagination and words. You can change your life right here and right now, so what is stopping you? Be who you want to be, go where you want to go and be the writer of your book.

Take out the trash, before you drown in it. Invite good things in, open your eyes and watch your tongue. What you speak and what you imagine, will be what you get. Start today on a brand-new canvas and paint your perfect world with your imagination. See and speak your desire into being and stop limiting yourself with your own mind. Do not allow negative thoughts to creep in because you are having an off day or not yet where you want to be. The key is to be 100% in control of your mind. Be aware as anything negative pops into your head and fight it off with over powering positivity. Be thankful for where you are and how far you have come.

Don’t hold onto anger towards those who have caused you pain. Anger will only hurt you and will have no effect on the person whatsoever. I believe that every person comes into my life for a reason and if that reason was to teach me a difficult lesson then I have gained through the heartache. Though it took me years to get to where I am, I truly know now that I have gained from even the hardest and most traumatic experiences. I have learnt many a lesson and I believe I am the best version of me today. I am more driven today than ever before, and I am more satisfied with my life than I could ever have dreamed.

I am walking in the glorious sun and choosing to take in the beauty and not the wind that could penetrate my bones if I allowed it.  I have chosen to see the beauty instead of the horror.  I have stopped noticing the ugliness and I am happier than I have ever been.

 

 

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Happiness, Inspiration, Life, Personal Development, Relationships

Give and you will always have –the joy of giving

When I was a young girl, around 12 or so, I met an old man whilst walking to 7th Street in Melville, a man whose lesson I would remember forever. After walking for over half an hour, first the thrilling downhill and then the burning uphill.

I was finally approaching the end of the uphill, almost at the Café made famous by the into on 7de Laan, a south African soapie, when I bumped into a friendly elderly man. The old man with grey hair, brown pants and a yellowish golf type shirt held a basket of fruit and vegetables in his hands.

As our eyes met, I said, “Afternoon Sir” and he responded with a warm “hello” and asked where I was going. I had explained that I was walking to the shop and then looked at the basket and said “Sir why are you carrying a basket of fruit and vegetables?” The old man uttered the words that I would never forget: “My girl, give and you will receive and always have”, I looked at him, wondering what on earth that had to do with the basket. He continued “I have fed people in need since I was a young man and I have never ever gone without”. I asked him what he meant by that, and he explained himself. He told me about him not being a wealthy man and not ever having a lot but what he had, he would give to the needy daily. He went on to tell me that some days there would be more hungry mouths to feed than food he had to give. He said that these were the days that he would wonder what he would be eating that night because he had given all of his food away. “Somehow, my girl, I have never gone to bed hungry for just when I have thought that it would happen, food would arrive for me.” Completely confused, I did not understand and shyly muttered: “I don’t understand, how does food just arrive?” He told me that it would arrive in different ways, sometimes his son would pop past and bring him food, unexpectedly or his neighbour would bring him over a plate of her delicious cottage pie. He said that it did not matter how the food arrived but that it always did. He said when you give, you will always receive. He said that he had never gone to bed hungry and that his heart was always happy.

 

The old man explained that he goes to bed happy every night in spite of losing his wife years before. He offered me an apple and I took it and went on my way. As I bit into the sour apple, I repeated what he said in my mind “give and you will always have”. I was rather baffled by how he food would just arrive; however his story has remained in my mind until today.

The bible says in Luke 6:38 Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

As a young child I was friendly and always wanting to meet new people. I would go to the neighbours and help them with their gardening and I even became wonderful friends with neighbours. My friend and I used to baby sit the two little girls across the road, we were spoilt rotten by their mother, Lizelle and adored the little girls, Amber and Amy-lee.

After school, I went to work with my aunt who worked at a special needs school and helped one of the teachers for the day. I would help my mom and of course still make sure to drive my sister up the wall.

In my adult years I have done everything from teaching Sunday school to volunteer for the SPCA, to feeding the hungry and assisting at orphanages. And of course, my biggest sacrifice, the gift of a second chance in life to my foster children. Through all the years, I have always remembered the old man’s words.

The old man’s words have come to me on many occasions, some days I would not know how my family and I would be eating that night and I would think about the lesson the old man had taught me. His lesson was one that proved true over and over in my life. When I thought that I would not make the next two days, suddenly I would receive. Once a friend paid me back money which I had forgotten about, once a tax reimbursement and sometimes just a friend coming over with something for dinner.

My life with two extra teenagers in my life has not been cheap and has not been easy but it has been incredibly fulfilling and I have never not had. I have given, and I have always had and never gone to bed hungry.

I smile as I remember the old man, his sun blotched, wrinkled face, blue eyes with thick framed glasses, his grey messy hair and his wide smile. The man had given since he was a young man and had lived an incredibly fulfilling life. Giving had given him joy, even after the passing of his beloved wife, and he had lived a life rich in blessing and gone to bed happy every night. I smile as I remember the lesson he taught me and how his lesson has followed me all these years. Thank you, Sir, for your lesson, changing my life and for remaining in my mind to this day, I will never forget your words or your joyful smile.

Friends, I now pass the incredible old man’s lesson on to you. GIVE AND YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE.

Happiness, Inspiration, Life, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Personal Development, Relationships

Time to Stop Reacting and Start Acting

I’ve wasted way too much time and energy on reacting to words or actions from people. The worst part is that it is the people who deserve the least that seem to get the biggest reaction out of me. Seriously? I have wasted so much time and energy on people who aren’t even worth a minute of my time, the ones who literally add no value to my life whatsoever.

I am in control of my reaction to a situation or a person, and I am going to stop reacting to nonsense. Time is life’s most valuable commodity, and I am wasting it on meaningless situations and purposeless people. I have recently learnt that surrounding myself with like-minded, driven people who have positive energy and add value to my life is so important. People who drive me and make me want to succeed are the best people to keep around me. Wasting time and energy on negative people with bad habits that try to bring me down at every opportunity need to go. My obligation to long-term friendships and relationships that aren’t healthy to me has become very obvious to me of late and it is time for me to stop the cycle. I have no obligation to unhealthy company and people who do not motivate me and have a positive influence in my life.

Right here, right now I am pledging to stop reacting to futile people and situations. I am from now on, focusing all energy on my goals and aspirations. I am going places and will not be side tracked at all. All distractions will be removed from my life and I will only be moving up from here. Reacting in anger or despair has only affected me negatively and kept me from having my eyes, mind and heart firmly fixed on my goals. Anger only damages me, and I will no longer allow it in my life. I am letting go of anger and negativity and people who cause it. My eyes have been opened wide in the last couple of weeks and I have been given an incredible drive as well as an awareness about how I allow people to affect my life and my goals. I am more focused than ever, and I am going to make things happen. I have been blessed with incredible new experiences, and I am learning new and exciting things every day. I am so excited about the future and what is in stall for me. I know what I want in my life, I have goals, and I am driven, it is time to start acting and go and get what I deserve! My time is precious, and I am using it for me!

To quote Joel Osteen:
“You need to associate with people that inspire you, people that challenge you to rise higher, people that make you better. Don’t waste your valuable time with people that are not adding to your growth. Your destiny is too important.” His words are true and very much relevant in my life today.

I have to take accountability for myself and my choices and cutting out people who don’t add value in my life has become incredibly important to me. I need to stop worrying about how I am hurting people by letting go and start thinking about how I am hurting myself by holding on. I have been too soft and too giving for too long and the only person who has suffered for it is me. Letting go of negative people is the way forward in my life, and I am starting now.

Negative people have one thing in common, they love bringing people down. Negative people never keep their negativity to themselves, and they feel the need to spread it around and manifest it wherever they go.

No matter what you say, the company that you keep influences your decisions and choices so keep the right company. You cannot place the blame on the company you keep, place the blame on yourself for choosing to keep the company that you do.

Putting me first is my main priority. Looking after me means choosing the right people to hang around and cutting out those that are not healthy for me. Wasted time can never be regained and wasted energy is draining and taking focus off my goals.

There are so many positive people in my life, but yet so many negative people as well. I have started identifying the negative people and I have to let go. These people are obstacles in my life, and they are diverting and distracting my focus and I have allowed it up until now.

“Bad company corrupts good character.” — this quote comes to mind. I am not sure who wrote it, but I came across it recently. The truth is that when you surround yourself with trash, you become trash.

My choice of company has led me to this discovery and revelation in my life. I have chosen to have the wrong people in my life, and I am fully aware of the damage it has caused up until now. It is up to me to change the company I keep and cut out the rubbish. Where I am going, there is no space for rubbish, only blue diamonds. I am no longer wasting time on stones, I am here to find diamonds and make the magic I want to happen in my life.

Life is a gift, and I am going to show my appreciation by going big and achieving my goals, taking the life I want and deserve and making it mine!

Happiness, Inspiration, Life, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Personal Development, Uncategorized

Taking back my life

Depression, the huge mistake I made which caused it and getting over it.

As a child, life was fairly easy. I was always good at making friends and was always able to stand up for myself so bullying wasn’t ever a problem for me. I had a really happy childhood and things were always bright and I have so many happy memories. In my early adult years, I began to become more popular and thrived on the positive attention. I was well known in my circles and would be greeted with adoration by people within my community. I had an incredible amount of friends and I was completely driven by their love for me. I spent so much time doing everything I could for my friends and I would run from one event to the next to please everyone. After all I was loved and needed to return the favour. How can positive attention be a bad thing? I mean everyone loves attention, right?

I was indeed filled with confidence as I walked through the streets of my city. I had a very positive energy about me and I eluded complete control of this incredibly amazing person who I thought I was. I had created my opinion of myself and my self worth based on how everyone saw me…which was great while everyone cherished me and made me the centre of attention.

I had literally handed over the remote control to my life to everyone else. I had no control of my life. Not only had I allowed myself to build Me on how everyone else saw me but I managed to hand my remote control over to people who would soon destroy my happiness. When a house is built, the most important first step is building a strong foundation. My house did not have a foundation and therefore could never withstand the harshest of storms.

As my life was hit by some harsh storms, I crumbled. The person that I had built on everyone else’s opinions could not stand alone. I became very depressed and felt completely hopeless. I had absolutely no want to live and more and more I felt that dying would be the best escape. I had no idea that I had in fact caused this problem. It was not the people who had broken me down because if I had built myself worth and self opinion on ME, I would not have been so easily broken.

Six months after being diagnosed with depression I found myself hitting rock bottom. The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that the only way to go is up. When I had nothing left I was forced to learn my mistake and I started my journey of recovery.

Living my life for everyone else had left me completely exhausted and unable to even get out of bed in the morning.

I sat down all by myself and started to get to know me. At first I wrote down my positives and negatives and though the list of positives which I could think of was only one or two things, the negative list seemed endless. How could everyone around me have seen me as an incredibly strong and amazing woman when I myself was unable to think of more than two positive things about me. Luckily I was soon to realize that my mind was completely over powered by depression and I did in fact have lots of positives. So with time, my list grew and the negatives did not seem all that bad anymore. Now was the time to make it. Now was the time to stop giving my energy to everyone else and now was the time to build my self worth on me.

Getting to know me and the journey of self discovery is one that teaches me every day. I have so much to give but never again will I allow people to just take. Giving is on my time and by my rules. I love giving and I truly feel the need to give back as I have been so richly blessed along the way that it would be a complete sin to not pass on blessings.

I have learned exactly what I should not be doing and what I do not want to do. Things that drain me are being cut out of my life.

I cannot choose which cards life has to deal me but I can choose how I play the cards which I am dealt. I choose to paint a beautiful picture and leave the sadness and regret behind. I will take what I need to from construction criticism but I will not allow negativity to define me. I am worth so much more than what everyone thinks of me and I will continue to walk my journey as the whole me. I choose to love the things that are positive and accept the things about me that aren’t so great. I am a whole person and I am the only perfect me.

In the famous and wonderful words of Dr Suess “Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you!

Be yourself, build your own foundation and when the storm comes, your house will remain strong and steadfast.

Happiness, Inspiration, Life, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Personal Development, Uncategorized

Not all days are going to be sunshine – My tips to get through the down days

After overcoming depression, I learnt that not all days are going to be good days. Some days the sun just doesn’t shine. Every now and then depression comes to remind me of what I went through but at the same time reminds me how far I have come. I have come a long way since the days when I could not get through, since the days I thought that I couldn’t carry on. The best thing about hitting rock bottom was that I could only go up from the bottom and up I went! I was strong enough to overcome depression and grow through the experience and most of all the journey of getting to know me. You never know your strength, until you need to use it. When I needed to sort my head out, suddenly I had the strength to do it. Never be afraid to talk to those closest to you or to ask for help. Seek professional help if you need it, I know I did.

When the day is dark, I have a guide to get through, these are my 12 tips:

  1. Fake it until you make it – When you aren’t happy, smile anyway. Take a look in the mirror and smile at yourself.
  2. Dress up – Put your make-up and your heels on, looking good helps you feel good. Wear the little black dress you hardly wear or a nice suit. Wear whatever makes you feel fabulous (Leave the sneakers and baggy pants alone on days like this!)
  3. Have a healthy great tasting breakfast, for me plain yoghurt with berries and seeds is a great tasting healthy way to start the day. Salmon is a fantastic way to start the day too, salmon, avo and cream cheese is enough to put a smile on your dial!
  4. Do a couple burpees or jumping squats if you prefer. You don’t have to go overboard, no one is asking you to run a marathon. 10 – 20 is enough to get your blood pumping and lift your mood.
  5. MEDITATE – this one was very difficult for me to grasp but in the world of technology, there are so many helpful apps to get you started. My favourite is “Guided Meditations – Pitashi Mobile Imagination”. This app eases you into meditating with a number of beginner meditations. If there is one thing that is going to take you to new levels in your mental state, this is it! Meditate, meditate, meditate, I cannot say it enough!
  6. Call your bestie up just to say hi and have a chat, this can make you feel a million times better.
  7. Put on your favourite feel good tune (dance around the room if you like). Music is amazing, and it can lift your mood immediately.
  8. There is plenty of motivational stuff online, google or check in at your favourite motivational blog.
  9. If you are religious, pray and have some quiet time.
  10. Give yourself positive affirmation – you are amazing, you are alive, and you are blessed, remember that.
  11. Imagine a place where you are at complete peace. When you do this, engage all five senses: sight, smell, hearing, taste, and touch. For example, imagine you are walking next to a river. You are watching the sparkling blue water as it lazily drifts slowly and you listen to the way it trickles and murmurs as it flows. You bend down to touch the slightly numbing, icy water, cupping your hands, you bring some tangy, cold water to your mouth, you sip it and feel alive. The air smells fresh and drops of water hit your face.
  12. If all else fails…. chocolate. Dark chocolate apparently stimulates the production of endorphins and contains serotonin which makes you happy. What better way to help lift your mood?

You are in control of your mind, you are the only person who can pull yourself together. Don’t beat yourself up for the bad days but always remember that after the rain, comes the sunshine, after the night comes the day. Tomorrow the sun will shine and with the brand-new day, you get a new start.

May tomorrow bring you lots of smiles. 🙂

Happiness, Inspiration, Life, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Personal Development, Relationships, Uncategorized

I can’t get into the mind of another

I am not a judgmental person at all in general, I really don’t care what people do and don’t judge them for doing crazy or even stupid things. However, when it comes to people who abuse others, I can be very judgmental, though probably not my place to be. When I see bad parenting or a child or person suffering at the hands of another person, I get really angry.

Being foster mom to two abused children (now adults), who came to live with me over six years ago, it really hits a nerve when abuse rears its ugly head around me. It is very close to home and I am very quick to get up in arms. I have seen abuse on too many occasions. It happens everywhere. Last year I had an extra child placed with me as place of safety because of her terrible home situation. This year once again there is a child who is being abused at home that my children know. The truth is that it is absolutely everywhere, and many people are trapped in a situation of abuse because they are frightened to do anything about it, they are dependent on the perpetrator or for whatever their reason may be. Some people (particularly people who were abused from childhood) have been abused for so long that they only know abuse, there is no sense of it being wrong in their minds because it is all that they know.

Abuse is a vicious circle and some people are unable or unwilling to break that circle. When I was abused, I could not understand why the perpetrator wanted to do the same thing that he was subjected to his whole life. I really struggled to understand why he did not want to be different having seen the trauma that abuse causes. For me it was unthinkable that an adult could not see right from wrong and not choose to do what is right. I really struggled to understand why he abused me and what made him do it. I spent a long time really trying to figure it out and to be honest, I don’t think I ever will. The truth is I cannot truly understand how another person thinks. We are all different and we cannot get inside the mind of someone else. Nor do we actually know each other’s full journey or what people have been through.

Trying to understand someone can be infuriating as well as impossible. I cannot think the way he thinks, and I need to stop trying to, the truth is that my mind cannot comprehend the reasoning behind his behaviour. If I do something wrong, I can look at the situation, analyze it and find what lead to me doing it and I can apologise, grow and learn from my mistake. I cannot make the person behind my abuse learn from his mistakes and I cannot truly know what lead to his behaviour. As much as I always feel the need to analyze everything and come to a reasonable conclusion, I have had to learn that I cannot understand everyone, and I cannot always find a conclusion. Sometimes I just have to understand that I am not that person and cannot think like they do. I can draw my own conclusions and speculate, however is this really any help at all?

I believe that abuse was a normal condition for my abuser. But I thought that he would be able to see the damage and not want to continue the cycle. I became angry that he didn’t stop the cycle, that he abused me even though he “loved” me. He never wanted to protect me from abuse, that is what cut the deepest. Why would someone who loves me want to hurt me? You see I cannot understand because I am not aware of all of the facts of his childhood. It is not something that men talk about, especially in the family that he came from. Boys don’t cry, and men don’t need help. It is a dangerous situation because children suffering from any form of trauma are not treated or given any form of help.

I cannot fix anyone, and I should stop trying. I cannot help someone who does not want to help themselves. The only person I am in control of is me. I can be a positive influence and I can share my experience but thinking I can fix the person that caused the problem is really just silly.

In a more recent incident I was sitting with a lady who does a lot of welfare work and she was telling me about some of the cases where the mothers keep having children with different men and the men leave and the mothers abuse their children. I was so disgusted and said, “how dare they, they have no right, they are adults and should know better”. Her answer to me was extremely blunt and hit me like a bucket of cold water. She said, “how can they know that it is wrong if they have never known anything else?”

The Jungle book springs to mind. Mowgli, a little boy raised by wolves in the jungle, rejected humankind despite being human, the animals were all he knew. This I feel to be a great example. Mowgli did not know humans and therefore he rejected them. And honestly who am I to judge anyone in any way. Yes, abuse makes me angry and I want to judge but it is not my place. I do not know the background, I do not know why a mother abuses her children and if it is all that she has ever known, then how can she know different.

I feel that there is a desperate need for education, we need to educate children and make sure that they understand what abuse is. Education will ensure that should a child or adult find themselves in an abusive situation, they will be able to identify it as such. More emphasis needs to be put on emotional abuse, emotional abuse is what stops people sharing their stories as well as causing the victim to feel unwarranted guilt.

I have every right to be angry for the way I have been mistreated but I cannot expect to understand the reasons why people in the past chose to abuse me or what lead them to become abusive in the first place. The only thing I can do is choose to tell my story and choose to make a difference in the lives of others.

I want to be a pillar of strength for anyone facing abuse and I know that in my own way, I can help victims to become survivors.

Happiness, Inspiration, Life, Mental Health, Mindfulness, Personal Development, Relationships, Uncategorized

Know your worth!

Knowing your worth when the world is showing you the middle finger is something that you just have to do!

I know who I am, I am confident, and I know what an incredible benefit I am to so many people. In business, I am strong, people orientated and incredibly hard working. In relationships I give more than my fair share. I am an amazing friend and someone who my friends cherish and admire. But so many times on my journey I have been fed up with the world, over how much I have been done in, ignored and been swept aside.

Knowing my worth in the lowest and loneliest times has been tough but been an experience that cannot be measured. I have always been a popular person, I have always made friends easily and been liked by people. I made one grave mistake…I built my opinion on what everyone else thought of me and so I felt fabulous since everyone liked me but suddenly when someone attacked me and actively disliked me I doubted myself. This is a dangerous thing, stop basing your self-esteem and self-worth on what other people think of you. If they don’t like you, that is there problem and not yours! Get to know yourself, love yourself, respect yourself and know your worth. Work on improving the things that you don’t like about yourself and be the best version of you possible! When you know who you are, people’s negative opinions do not matter to you and won’t knock you down.

Having come from a place of abuse, it took time to realise my worth and find myself. Getting to know Lisa was a fulfilling journey. Suddenly I was standing in the mirror and appreciating the view. Seeing myself for who I am and seeing the value within me. Something I had never noticed or appreciated because I had never really taken the time to get to know me.

Life has a funny way of teaching you, and often you are left shut out in the cold and feeling very alone. Wondering where the people are who you have been there for through thick and thin. When you are at your lowest suddenly everyone seems to fade away. Life is busy, right, people are busy, people get caught up in their lives and so they seem to forget about you. I sit in a dark corner thinking about who loves me and who my friends are and what we have been through, but I am all alone. Where is everyone? Where are the people who are meant to be here for me? I can’t find them, and truth be told, I don’t want to have to. In a way I feel that they should just be there and almost excepting that they know that I need them.

They don’t know I need them and in a way I am too arrogant to reach out. I have always been there when they have needed me but where are they now that I need them? Come on, Lisa, Grow up! How can I expect people to just know that I need them? Silly girl!

Not only do I feel that the people who should be there aren’t, the world keeps on showing me a BIG ZAP SIGN. Everywhere I look, I get shown away.

Can the world see what I am? And if they can, can they see my tears, can they see my worth? Sometimes I feel like I am constantly being tested. I know my worth and I am steadfast in who I am. I know what I have achieved, and I am proud of who I am. Somehow, I feel like no one else sees it.

It is right then when I need to find the strength to carry myself, lift myself up and show the world who I am. If you can’t see me, then I am going to show you who I am and what I have to offer. Sometimes the key is within me, sometimes I have to unlock the door myself and not expect it to be opened for me. It is up to me to show the world who I am and start my new chapter. If I am not going to write my own book, then who will? This is my journey, this is my life and it is up to me to make my journey count.

The funny thing is when I reach out, everyone is there for me. All the people that I felt had left me in the dark, came to my aid when I just reached out. Life has a way of showing you which friends matter, which friends are actually friends and which friends have faded into the past. I am blessed in many ways, but I count my richest of blessings in the people I have who I am lucky enough to call my friends. My family is incredible and have literally carried me through the tough times. Friends and family, the people who no matter what, know my worth and support me no matter what I am going through. I always remember the quote “God doesn’t give you the people that you want, God gives you the people that you need”. And God knows me best. He has never forsaken me when it comes to putting people I need in my life.

Sometimes I have to take a step back, reach out, put my arrogance aside and low and behold, I have an army. An incredible army of amazing and completely different people standing behind me and supporting me. An army willing to fight for me and face the battle head on. But I know that I am the commander of my army and without me reaching put to my army, they could never know that I need them.

If doors are slamming in my face then those are the doors that are not meant to be. The bigger better things are behind the doors which will be opened for me.

If the world doesn’t see me, then I am going to make the world see me.